A friend of mine posted this meme today that has me rollin’!
(there are no lies in this photo)
Back in the day I used to tour or host a lot of touring bands.
I was in my 20’s and living that Semi Charmed Kind of Life (*rim shot!*) and from the outside, everything looked sparkly and cool.
But… it wasn’t. It was actually kind of dull to be honest.
Here are some of my greatest hits from the road:
-Little Toyko, LA. I am in a seriously 1 star motel. I was working for a band as their street team manager. I am with my former roommate that we don’t talk about ever and like four other people who also did SOMETHING for the band. Everyone has to sleep somewhere so we figure it out. One of the dudes with I was letting stay with us gets a call from said band members and for some reason they need somewhere to stay too.
This was before I worked in hotels obviously, and I had no idea what a headache it would be for the front desk to let these two come hang out and crash with us. Future me, knows this was a bad idea but 20 something me said fuck it and let them in. At some point the front desk came up to yell at us. My musician friends hid in the shower while we talked the Front Desk off of a ledge and made sure they didn’t kick us out. It was like a 40 dollar a night room and there wasn’t an ice machine on property. After the front desk agent left, everyone just laid down where they were and went to sleep.
-Hollywood, CA: With the old roommate we do not talk about ever. Some of her friends were in this band playing at the House of Blues. We got a room at Motel 666 and some how ended up with one of her friends in our room. NBD, this is why I used to book two queen beds wherever we went. Motel 666 in Hollywood does have an ice machine, so I was able to put our Guiness on ice. I hear the band Against Me! for the first time on a CD and promptly go to sleep. In the morning we all argue about which Dennys I’m supposed to return this guy to while I drink a Guiness and make arrangements for us to stay in town for another night to see another band. Thanks Radio.
-Santa Barbara, CA: In the car with former roommate we do not talk about. We’re on our way to the Roxy in West Hollywood to see a band that has some fuckstick actor as the lead singer. He is a giant douche canoe and yet invited me personally to their show in LA. We get stuck in traffic in SB and decide that we’re just going to get off the freeway and head home. That’s how exciting it is to hang out with “Rockstars.”
-San Luis Obispo, CA: I’m backstage with a punk band, because I host a punk show on the radio. A very famous punk singer tells me I am a giant bag of shit for doing radio in the first place. He’s a grouch. I shrug and take one of his bandmates who’s also in another punk band for a Tecate at a local watering hole. No one notices and dude is grateful. I get him back before load out.
-Grover Beach, CA: I walk into my house after spending the night with a dude I was dating. I had to have him pick me up from a concert that me and the former roommate went to. She was being saucy and weird and I just wanted to leave so I had someone fetch me. The next day I get home. It’s 7am and my front door won’t open fully. Because there is an entire band staying in my house, without my permission. I hit their poor tech with the front door. They were asleep most of the time they were at our house.
-Chico, CA: Some friends of mine from college were in a touring band. They were in town with no plans after their show. I brought all of them back to the apartment. We watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force and they cleaned my living room before they went home.
-Shell Beach, CA: I was 24 and my friend that worked with the same band as I did, had some friends in my area playing a show at a “concerts in the park” thing. I went to the show and fetched all of them because they had nowhere to stay and no money until they got to the next city. I found room for all 5 of them to sleep.
My ex fiance trotted out some good DVDs and I found enough bedding and towels for everyone. We had scrambled eggs in the morning, while watching cartoons, on my green shag carpet before they headed out.
-Avila Beach, CA: The phone rings. It’s (blah blah blah band.) I’m supposed to go to the show later, I know these dudes and I’m excited to see them for the 15th time or whatever. It’s my friend who works for them asking me the weirdest question.
“Do you have any extra bed sheets? I have a problem.”
Of course my mind starts screaming but then I just ask, “What do you actually need?”
They had forgotten their drum cover in the previous city. I had purple and dark blue sheets. They chose purple. I brought it to them balled up in my purse and gave it to them like a back alley drug deal. After the show all anyone could talk about was if we were going to be able to get pizza.
-Chico, CA: I want to see this one band play and my radio station didn’t get tickets. I sigh and throw my fates to the wind and shake the friendship tree. It takes five minutes to get me and my friend on the list. I wonder how it went so fast. Turns out someone working this tour has slept on my floor at some point. Show was awesome. Afterwards we talked about another time at a Motel 666 that we all argued about who was sleeping in the van and who was sleeping on the floor.
-Bakersfield, CA: I take a band I used to work for to a very famous dive bar. Everyone drinks too much but literally nothing interesting happens other than I adopted a cat and get a phone call in the afternoon the next day, that I may have alcohol poisoned a member of the band. I think we played pool.
-Pismo Beach, CA: I play pool with a band in this converted movie theater. We eat fish and chips. I lose at pool. Newcastle is 4.99 a pitcher.
-San Luis Obispo, CA: Some band from some other coast is in town. We’re in the alley loading up their stuff and some douche is giving my roommate who we never talk about ever a hard time. I’m about to say something when other coast band dude just picks up his skateboard and pops this fucker in the face. We all scram.
-Chico, CA: I’ve known this band for eons. They used to play “practice shows,” in my hometown of Bakersfield. I go to the show and it’s instantly “hey RADIO GIRL,” even though they know my name. After the show we sit on their bus and singer of said band facetimes his girlfriend so I can say hi since I haven’t seen her in forever. We get Taco Bell brought to the bus while this is going on. This is waaaay more tame than the time we didn’t at all build some kind of explosive together.
-Sacramento, CA: Two things happened backstage here. This is a festival show, so we’re camped out backstage for my radio bullshit. One band comes over and steals my crew’s “water bottle,” and makes drinks while the more famous band on the bill shakes their head and goes back to playing frisbee with their kid. Later I run into a singer for an international act that I had met over 10 years ago, one time. He had invited me and that roommate we never talk about to a party but we had to dip and didn’t go. Somehow Mr Europe remembered me and was beyond stoked to bullshit with me in the 100+ weather.
-Marysville, CA: It’s yet again 100+ degrees. My coworker and I are at a big festival show and we’re broke. Suddenly like an angel someone from some band on the bill comes over and asks us if we want to go to their bus. They had air conditioning and Natty Ice. My coworker and the singer bonded over being new dads while I just sat there not having heatstroke.
-Ventura, CA: It’s Christmas time. I am on the bus of a pretty popular nu metal band. They have a Christmas tree. We are watching Sex and The City dvds and straight up drinking Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice.
-Bakersfield, CA: I am bringing some friends of mine out on stage right when they were at their most famous. It’s about 112 degrees and we’re in a concrete bowl. The band fixes my eye liner. We had water and potato chips.
-Riverside, CA: Another festival. Fuck. It’s also really hot and people suck, but this band I did stuff for is playing as well as the most famous band from my hometown, so I’m there, sweating off my ass and cursing myself for driving me and the Roommate we never speak of to this godforsaken place when someone from the record label starts giving me shit about not buying the CD of the band I worked for. He had no idea who I was in regards to the band and honestly just pissed me off. While he was yelling, I call the band and the next thing I know I’m in boring paradise. Kids playing frisbee, shade trees, sprinklers, water?!? OMG, I may have taken a nap.
-Ventura, CA: I am at Warped Tour again and it’s time to go backstage and interview people for my punk show. I interview one band in the “mess hall” and they’re sweet af and ask who I was talking to next. When I tell them, they tell me they’ll walk me back because their buses are near each other. I end up sitting in “backstage paradise” for a long time being strongly encouraged to have some BBQ.
Bands motherfucking love to BBQ.
-Paso Robles, CA: I’ll straight tell you who this is because Mr. Worldwide doesn’t give a fuck. I’m backstage at Pitbull. He is a genuine nice person who shows up 10 minutes before his meet and greet by police escort. He then blows the doors off the motherfucker. His backstage area is boring af.
-Bakersfield, CA: I am sitting backstage with four of the biggest Active Rock bands in the world and we are fucking bored. It’s election night. George Bush 2 is about to “win,” the election over Al Gore.
We’re all just sitting there watching the election results.
This is how I find out a lot of Active Rock/NuMetal dudes vote red. Oh and this one rock band from the other coast has a lot of vegan shit on their tour rider.
-West Hollywood, CA: I sneak a friend into a show I’m supposed to be at for reasons. Backstage, reasons and I had dinner and told jokes. Lobster pasta is fucking expensive. Apparently, a socialite got into a fist fight I know nothing about in the back alley.
-Santa Margarita, CA: I’m back stage at some punk festival with some really bad ass punk singer who is borderline terrifying in print. We talk about vegan food options with his daughter and try to find sun screen. Also the toilets sucked.
-Sacramento, CA: It’s hot. I hear a familiar greeting, it’s my turn to interview this Big Band. I wander through the kids playing frisbee and the bbq and the mamas chasing the kids with the fucking sun screen, to get into an air conditioned trailer. I end up talking to the Big Band Member more about my parents and our hometown than anything to do with the tour. I am one of three people allowed to talk to this band. Band dude and I? We were still bored.
Bakersfield, CA: I am 15 years old. I decide in this epic idiot move that I need to meet the singer of this band playing and I’m gonna jump the fence and go BACKSTAGE.
So I did that and landed on all the people who just wondered why I didn’t just ask to come back and watch them do absolutely nothing.
Lincoln, NE: I flew out for a show, like 3000 miles from my hometown. Absolutely nothing interesting happened backstage.
Las Vegas, NV: Instead of backstage, we all went to a civilized dinner. Food was really good though.
Peoria, IL: Had to crawl under a box car when I got out of an Uber to get to this venue. Saw band, there wasn’t a backstage, so we all just sat at the bar or the outdoor patio. Other than bikers being there, nothing remotely interesting happened. We might have gone to Jack in the Box or something after.
San Juan Capistrano, CA: I’m in some club. I’m backstage and I have my hands full of two babies. Dads still have to Dad and I have two hands and kids like me, so I’m in the driver’s seat. Some one keeps bringing me Mandarin vodka on the rocks. The kiddos are the most interesting part of the night. I slosh back to my hotel down the street and go to sleep.
The meme is not a lie, literally nothing happens backstage. It’s all frisbee and baby juggling and trying to figure out who sleeps where on the floor and calling girlfriends back home to tell them you aren’t dead.
What IS interesting is the bonds you form and family you make. It’s not sex and drugs and rock and roll but it’s a clean place to sleep, endless ramen, knowing which Denny’s you can go to and if anyone has a warrant in this city you’re in right now….