She was a really encouraging blogger friend. I loved when I did get to talk to her back in my first blogging days. She was funny and very kind and liked good music.
My heart goes out to her family and everyone out there struggling with addiction and depression. It’s a fucking bitch and it’s no goddamned fun at all. It’s literally sometimes like your brain is on fire but you can’t articulate it because holy shit your brain is on fire. Can you imagine how hard it is to talk while your head is on fire?
Of course, you can’t unless you’re in the shit bus with the rest of us, because no one who is supposedly sane has no idea what it feels like for your head to just be, I don’t know on fire.
So you learn your way around even telling people your brain is straight up on fire. No one has to know if you don’t tell them. You find ways to put ice on that fire and you just keep moving. If you’re one of us that also is a perfectionist, no one knows your brain is on fire, in fact you try harder to be perfect at everything to mask the scent of your brain burning under your hair you’ve probably dyed a million times because you know if you get the right shade of blue, holy shit your brain will stop being on fire.
(Your brain and your soul needs a doctor, not a hair dresser, but I get it, dye jobs are cheaper than….)
Cheaper than die jobs.
Your brain is on fire. But we can fix that. They have all kinds of shit to fix that. Like doctors, medicine, pets, cute babies, fucking new music, adventures… It might just quiet the fire but simmering is better than just turning off the stove. It may never be easy but dulling the roar and reaching out is better than just turning yourself off.
There is one fucking rule to knowing me socially and it’s don’t die. Everything else we can fix, no matter how painful it is, we can fix it, as long as you don’t fucking die. We’re all in this, on this side of the ground together. Shit, I don’t care what kind of bullshit you get yourself into, we can probably fix it if you don’t die.
I’m turning the lights off tonight and lighting a candle for a real honest, funny and endearing woman. She lost her fight but I’m gonna pick up the flag and keep going for all of us, with our brains on fire just trying to breathe somedays.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
Just pick up your phone and dial 988.