How to move when you work in radio

Seriously, don't do any of this.

Step one- Get fired.

Don’t feel bad about it. If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you know radio people just randomly get fired. It’s usually not your fault. And once it happens, you know that you need to always, always, always be on the look out for your next job. Once step one happens, you’ll never get to the rest of these steps again, because you’ll know what’s coming… watch.

Step two- Look for a new job. This can take 3 minutes or a full ass year. Find new job while begging every friend you’ve ever made in the industry for some insider information. Spend hours a day online sending out resumes.

Step three- Get drunk. You will anyway, so after a set amount of hours of sending out demos and resumes, go for it. It is now 5pm whenever you decide it is. Don’t worry about it. Wear your bathrobe to the store, everything is horrible and then you have to get to step four….

Step four- file for unemployement. It’s a pain in the ass but do this. You can do this while doing step two but it’s way more enjoyable with a cocktail. Unemployment questions are easier than applying for a job.

Step five- Get new job. Don’t worry, you will. And you will have to fucking move and so then instead of going through the radio want ads now you’re going to be looking at apartment ads in a place you have never been to and trying to figure out how to pay for it. You will be tired and you will take the very first place to live you find. It’s fine if you hate it, it’s radio… you probably will end up repeating step one again. It’s just the way it is.

Step six- Try to get the people hiring you to help you pay to move. Because moving is expensive and remember you’ve been drunk in your bathrobe unemployed for either a week or a year. You need help moving, trust me. Get them to pay for your truck at least. If they won’t pay for your truck, it’s going to end up being a disappointing gig.

Step seven- Try to pack your shit. This one is where being drunk in your bathrobe comes in handy. You will need boxes or garbage bags. You will need to label these boxes so you know what they are when you arrive at this alien destination. You will get pissed off and throw things away. You will take fewer things every time you move. Your boxes will end up saying shit like “big fucking box of knives,” or “drunk when packed, don’t know,” and you’ll find a shoe in your kitchen boxes. It’s cool. Open box, throw shit in and run.

Step eight- Actually move. Don’t drink this day until you get there. Feel free to sleep on garbage bags full of your clothes because moving your bed was too expensive. Live with just a lawn chair in the living room. It’s fine, it’s normal. Throw a sheet on whatever the hell it is you want to pretend is human furniture and call it good.

Step nine- Start new job. Enjoy the crippling anxiety you now have because of step one.

Step ten- Never fully unpack. Because now you know step one is a thing, that you can just get fired for literally breathing or because it’s Tuesday. Unpacking is probably on the list of reasons you can get fired in radio. Just keep shoveling boxes into closets and be ready to run away again at any moment. If boxes around the house bother you, just start throwing everything away at the start of each ratings period.

Step eleven- Never be surprised to find yourself back at step one.